Card from The Four Agreements Card Deck by Don Miguel Ruiz; Hay House Publishing
So much is spoken about “the tongue” or the words we speak and the power those words wield. I was reminded of this when listening to a beautiful song the other day. One of the messages of the song is to “keep the tongue pure,” meaning be mindful of what you say. I thought of advice I frequently tell my clients, “Be very careful what you say to yourself, about yourself.”
People often try to be careful with what they say to others, but are much more careless about what they say to themselves. Although in the current Twitter/social media culture we live in, people have become increasingly rude hiding behind their keyboards! Still, as a general rule, people tend to have much higher standards for how they speak to others versus how they speak to themselves. So many of us have the thoughtless habit of berating, criticizing, or insulting ourselves, not stopping to think about how much words like that hurt us when spoken to us by someone else. We also would never dream of speaking to someone else that way, hurting them to their core.
This is an issue well struggle with. I remember a conversation I had with a dear friend once. We got on the touchy topic of weight and she began to insult herself terribly. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in anger. How dare she speak about herself that way? Cutting her off, I paused to calm myself, but told her that if anyone else were to say those things about her in front of me, I would shut them down. But because she was saying those things about herself, that was supposed to make it ok?
We often complain about our weight before we truly have a weight problem and guess what? Years down the line, many of us actually end up developing weight problems. We complain about being broke only to end up with less and less money. We tell ourselves we aren’t smart enough to start that business or get that certification. And so . . . we don’t. See the pattern here?
Law of Attraction and manifestation gurus love to talk about positive affirmations and speaking what we want into existence, but so many of us have a lot of negative self-talk to undo as well. The great Louise Hay said healing begins with eliminating all criticism of the self (and others). While I do think there is such a thing as healthy self-criticism or analysis, I’m inclined to agree with Ms. Hay. We can be self-aware and look to improve ourselves, but beating ourselves up never leads to positive growth and healthy progress.
Photo Credit: Brett Jordan; @brett_jordan
What you say to yourself is every bit as powerful as what others say to you, perhaps even more so. How can the habit of negative self-talk be broken? One exercise I recommend is using a picture of yourself as a child. Keep one in your wallet or in your phone. Whenever you want to talk down to yourself or curse yourself out, pull out this picture. Look at the child version of you and imagine saying what you want to say to that child. Look at a picture of your child self and try to say the ugly things you were about to say to yourself to that child. Really try. It’s difficult, isn’t it? It probably feels ugly and sickening. Now, ask yourself, “Fundamentally, at the core, what is the difference between me now and me as a child?” The answer is, well, nothing! You are the same person. Why does current version of you deserve to be spoken to harshly but not the 3 or 4 year old you? Performing this exercise helps to give you the perspective you need to understand how destructive this self-talk is.
Reframing the problems you have with yourself helps. Instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and condemning yourself for the weight you should lose, say instead, “Although I’m not the ideal version of myself, I love myself the way I am today and I know my weight and health improves every day.” If you criticize yourself for your perceived lack of intelligence, say to yourself, “I’m open to learning more and more each day. I am a student of life!”
These statements may sound corny and make you feel silly reciting them. But does saying, “You’re a fat loser!” or “I’m such an idiot!” sound better or make you feel better? No! You can acknowledge what you want to change about yourself without insulting yourself and you can even encourage yourself at the same time. And before you know it, you just may become the person you’ve been wishing you were.